Why do we criticize others, what’s wrong with it, and what can we do about it?
Criticism can be of many types, so let’s clarify what are we talking about. Criticism can either be positive or negative. Positive criticism implies “well intentioned” (in a positive way) that helps you in some way, but that’s not what we will be talking about.
Negative criticism is about judging, talking and thinking negatively about a person. For e.g., the way you dress, what kind work you do, what kind of spouse or parent are you, what kind of things you like or dislike, your behavior towards others, etc.
The list is long and I can go on and on, but the main point is that it’s all about creating and spreading negative energies. Your criticism is negative if it is about belittling others, based on the what you perceive is right, focused on personality or character rather than behavior, and is full of hate and blame.
The person who is criticizing you is most probably a habitual critic and also does the same to others. This person has mastered the art of generating and spreading negativity based on false notions (which he or she strongly believes in) and will also further continue to do so.
It’s natural for us to have negative thoughts every now and then, but we should not allow ourselves to get sucked deep into these thoughts. The more we encourage this behavior, the more it starts becoming a habit.
By criticizing others, we may feel better in the moment, but in the long run we make ourselves toxic, and also hurt those who are close to us.
Let the refining and improving of your own life keep you so busy that you have little time to criticize others — H Jackson Brown Junior.
Let’s explore what makes people behave in this way.
We feel better about yourself by putting down others
There was time in my life when I was trying to make it big as freelance web designer. I was sick and tired of my grueling 9 to 5 job (which I hated) and wanted financial and personal freedom for myself. I wanted to be my own boss.
Despite of putting years of hard work I failed miserably and the next thing I did was convince everybody that freelance web design is bad, it is a scam, and that everybody should stay away from it because the chances of success are very low.
I was convinced and that everybody out there is fake and fraud. So I started taking a dig at people who were into freelance web design. Instead of focusing on my own weaknesses, I was out there discouraging people to give up.
I was projecting my own fears, inadequacies and insecurities onto others by criticizing and demeaning them. Rather than helping them out, I was busy trying to convincing them to quit.
It gave me a sadistic pleasure and a boost to my ego when I saw someone failing at something. Very soon I realized how all of this started to haunt me and how I had become such a negative person.
This negativity was making me depressed and destroying my creativity. I was miserable and failing at everything I was undertaking. I was always scared to approach people for help. Partly because these were the very people I criticized while they were struggling.
There was feeling of shame and guilt all over me. At some point I could feel my own toxicity, and I realized that if I had to get out of this unproductive toxic mindset, in order to make things work for me.
The short bouts of pleasure we get by throwing dirt at others is an indication of how shallow we are inside.
Because we feel envy
Do you know the difference between jealousy and envy?
Jealousy is when I’m feeling uneasy about someone else’s achievement. But the good thing about jealousy is that it may make us realize that we need to work harder in order to be like that person. So in a way feelings of jealousy can be used constructively.
Envy on the other hand is similar to Jealousy except for one difference. In case of envy we generally think “If I can’t get what he or she has then I must destroy him or her so that I feel better”.
Some of situations that could make us feel envious of others:
· A friend or a known person is better than you in some areas of life, like relationships or work.
· A coworker you dislike gets a promotion to which you were entitled and you feel that it is unfair after all the hard work you have done.
· Your family does not acknowledge how much you do for them.
· Your parent always tends to favor your sibling despite what all you did for them.
So the easy thing to do is criticize others, bring them down, and make their achievements small and less worthy as compared to yours. It’s our fears that bring out the worst in us.
This generally happens because we are fixated to our idea of success and happiness. In our minds we are perfect and feel that we are entitled to get whatever we want.
Why it does not work?
The main reason why we criticize is because it pleases our ego.
We know it’s not going to work but still we do it. It becomes a compulsive habit. We feel that it offers a counter mechanism to deal with situations wherein we feel devalued by others.
Such people are mostly themselves highly sensitive to criticism and can’t handle rejection. They become upset and defensive over small issues. Some of them can’t even handle constructive criticism.
By incessantly blaming we create negative attitude towards other people and are unable see the goodness they are willing to offer.
We are the first victims of the negative energy we create for others.
By criticizing we do a lot of damage to our relationships with others, spoil our own mental health and well being. People start avoiding us. They in turn start criticizing us and that negativity comes back to haunt us in full circle.
What can we do about it?
We must remember that we taught ourselves to criticize others by repeatedly doing it over and over again. Now that we have mastered it, it has been ingrained into our subconscious mind, and we have become habitual.
We must realize that we need to work on our own feelings of inadequacies and insecurities if we want to get rid of that negative energy. We must develop better sense of self worth and high self esteem.
The problem is not outside, It’s on the inside, and that’s where the work is needed. We need to train our subconscious mind to think positive.
Some of the ways in which we can control the negative critic inside us:
· We should interact more and more with positive people and harness our capacity to love and compassion.
· Complement people on their achievements.
· If you are feeling envious of someone, think about your own achievements and all the good stuff you did in the past.
· Avoid conversations that lead criticism of other people.
· Learn to develop more compassion and empathy towards others.
· Be more mindful of our behavior by practicing mindfulness meditation.
There is only one way to avoid criticism. Do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing — Aristotle.
There will be many moments in our life when we’ll feel like criticizing or gossiping but we should avoid this temptation. One way to do this is to develop mindfulness and tolerance using techniques such as meditation and self observation.
Conclusion
We need to understand that by criticizing others we are disconnecting with them and spreading negativity which manifests manifolds and in the end that same negativity comes back to haunt us.
As I mentioned above, the only way we can truly heal ourselves is by doing inner work, and developing love, compassion, and empathy for others.
Our ego will always tell us that you need to pull others down if you want to succeed, but that is not true. You truly prosper when you learn to be a part of other people’s happiness and give unconditional love from the core of your heart.
So my friend rise, shine and spread that joy, because this world is beautiful.
